I have a couple of stories I could tell about performing on stage with my band. One is of me having a blast and the other is of one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Let me guess which one you would like to hear; the embarrassing one, right? Fine!

So, me and my mates, we formed a band in college. We never truly settled on a name. We went by ‘Lemon Yellow Sun’, ‘Soul Deflection’ and some other names at different times but the name I always liked but never really stuck was ‘Four Dead Girls’. Anyways, the important thing to know is that none of us had any real knowledge about music or our instruments before we got together as a band. There was a learn as you go garage band vibe to the whole thing. The other thing to know is that we weren’t really dedicated to the learning part either. We were pretty much in love with the idea of being in a rock band more than the reality of making any original music.

A couple of years of noodling around, we could play a few popular rock songs relatively nicely. I wouldn’t say we were very good, but we could manage to play some songs fairly well. I was the vocalist and probably the weakest link because I never really practiced vocals or tried to learn how to control my vocal cords. I just sang when we practiced as a band together and singing System of a Down and Godsmack songs would leave my voice dead after a few hard sessions.

We performed a few times as a band, mostly in college fests and had all kinds of experiences from bad ones to good ones. There were experiences where we made a lot of mistakes but we still enjoyed and had a blast and there were performances where we played fine but the vibe just wasn’t right. The bottom line is that our most enjoyable experiences were in the jamming room just playing as a band and having fun.

But our worst performance was also supposed to be our most important performance and that’s what you’re here for, so here it is. This was for a competition called Campus Rock Idols. Take American Idol and syndicate it to India and you get Indian Idol. Now make it a rock only competition and you’d get Rock Idols. Now limit the entry to only college bands and you’d get Campus Rock Idols. The thing wasn’t even televised. Only the finals were to be televised which would take place over a weekend in Goa. We were in a regional first round and I don’t think there was even a single camera around.

We were to sing three songs out of which at least one had to be an original. Since we didn’t write originals, we had to come up with one in the few weeks we had to prepare for the competition. I came up with a blatant copy of a Black Sabbath song. We had very Black-Sabbathy sounding chords and I wrote some lyrics about Lucifer. But that wasn’t even the worst thing about our performance.

First of all, the audience was made up of only other bands who were competing. Second, we were assigned to go right in the beginning. I don’t remember if we were the very first band to play but I remember that the sound guys were still sorting out the setting when we got a minute to do our sound check. Thirdly, I was super nervous and not loose at all. And probably so were my band mates. Not that that’s an excuse. But it’s important to know that we were out of our league for sure.

We went on and I introduced the band and it was just so strange to not get anything back from the audience. I wish the little hall was dark so I could have imagined that it was empty but I could see the faces of my competition and they weren’t giving me anything. The judges were also settling in and not really paying attention.

The first song we played was Toxicity by System of A Down. That probably wasn’t a good choice because in India, at that time at least, people mostly only played metal. I’m talking about Metallica, Megadeath and the like. I am not sure if they had even heard of System of A Down. I think one guy said “yeah!” on hearing the name but that was it. We started playing and I saw the basist panic and start the song one beat late. And then he went into a zone and played his part perfectly, except that he was always one beat behind. It’s not easy to pull this off, because you’re bound to catch your mistake at some point if you’re listening to the rest of the band. I kept trying to get his attention but he just wouldn’t look at me. My own performance wasn’t the best to begin with and it wasn’t helped by me being distracted by trying to get my bassist to catch up.

We finished the song and there has never been a more deading silence in the history of music performances. It doesn’t help that Toxicity ends abruptly and if you haven’t heard it before, you’re not ready for the end. Then the one guy who had heard of SOAD, clapped; I think out of sympathy.

At that moment, I think I went blank. The audience’s silence invaded my brain. On autopilot I announced the next song which was Voodoo by Godsmack. Another song that no one seemed to have heard. Also it was a mistake to choose Voodoo instead of I Stand Alone which we also used to play. I Stand Alone is a nice song. I used to crack up in the last part of the song when Sully Erna screams very hard but I think even that would have been better than Voodoo because that song is very unique. It drones on monotonously and can be boring to those hearing it for the first time, being covered by an amateur college band.

I remember not knowing what to do with my hands. What do vocalists do with their hand while singing slow monotnous songs? I had no idea so I clasped them behind my back and sang the whole song with my eyes closed. Even before the song was over, I was like, “More deading silence, right?” I was right. This time no one clapped.

Next we played our ‘original’ black sabbath copy. By the time it ended, I was trying to figure out ways to cope with the embarrassement overload. After an eternity, we were done. The judges weren’t giving feedback to anyone so we were spared there. We exited stage left and I wanted to head back to the college and go to the hostel and go to my room and crash on my bed and bury my face in my pillow and sleep for a week, but the band wanted to go back inside and watch the rest of the performances. So we went inside and once the metal bands came on, the audience also came alive and even starting cheering and singing along. “Why don’t you guys start a mosh pit while you’re at it,” I thought! Halfway, through the show, I decided to quit the band and walked out the hall without my mates.

I didn’t join the band again for rest of our four year engineering degree. It has always been a regret of mine. I shouldn’t have walked out of that hall. I shouldn’t have quit the band and I shouldn’t have stuck to that decision stubbornly like an ass. So what if we embarrassed ourselves once? We had a lot of great times in the jamming room. I could have had more such great times. I could have learned from the experience and worked on my vocals and improved my skills. But instead I sulked like a baby.

We did get the band together after college and recorded a few original songs. Minus the bassist, but still. That, I guess, is a good conclusion to the story. I’ve picked up my guitar again after many years and I hope I’ll be making some songs again soon.

If you’re interested, here’s the best song we recorded after college. It’s called Take Me Home.