The project I had chosen for week 1 of my 42nd year was a creative non-fiction essay on smoking. It went well and I finished it on time. The article might not be as good as I was hoping but I did finish it. I don’t know if I’ll just publish it on my blog or try to pitch it to some other publications first.

Week 2 project was a zine on birds. In hindsight, that wasn’t a good project to have because immediately, I thought, am I supposed to spend an entire week just making a zine? Negative thoughts about wasting time and not being productive rushed in. These opened the door and all the rest of my negative pet thoughts came in as well. They sat on the sofa with their muddy paws and gnawed at the furniture of my mind.

The entire week was spent me trying to fight the thoughts by making a better plan and then failing to follow it and then getting more negative thoughts again. Then to avoid these thoughts I would distract myself. The one good news is that I didn’t go to YouTube to get distracted. It’s amazing but I’ve stayed away from YouTube for two entire weeks now! The bad news is that I used Netflix instead. I binged all 4 seasons of You. Watching Joe Goldberg repeat the same pattern of mistakes over and over again, did remind me of my own self destructive patterns but I pushed those thoughts down.

I came up with idea to use the term constipation to refer to this state of mine. At times like these, I am constipated. Because I am stuck, and I am a piece of shit. I’m constipated because I’m full of shit. I’m in the mood where I don’t give a shit, hence constipated.

Eventually, today, I had a motion: an insight. I realized that people, including me, can reduce a lot of the unnecessary suffering in their life with a few easy steps that they are already aware of. Steps like eat right, exercise, be more patient and kind, with others and yourself, communicate better and honestly, don’t be afraid of failure and keep trying. Everybody knows this. It’s not quantum physics. Yet people, including me, can’t seem to do even these basic things consistently.

Living this way seems boring. A reckless carefree life is more fun. We should be able to build a carefree and fun life that is also healthy and good. But sometimes the fun part lies in being a little bit naughty and doing what you know isn’t good for you.

There is this jadedness associated with adult life where you’re forced to be responsible and live more carefully. If you’re married and have kids, you have no other option. Adults miss the childlike abandon that is just so much fun. On top of that, years of stress and mental and physical waste that hasn’t been flushed by the body begins to accumulate and cause disease and emotional issues. There’s also our good old friend entropy, ceaselessly working in the background to turn everything into a sand dune.

If you choose to live a more carefree life, people call you immature and irresponsible. But it’s more than that. You don’t allow yourself to live like that and that’s what causes you to suffer self-hatred. And if you do live like that and life turns to an entropic mess then also you suffer and hate yourself.

I realized that what I’m trying to do is figure out a most fundamental problem with human life. If I can figure out a way to live more freely without shunning all responsibility, then it can be of real value to everyone.

This insight instantly eased all of the negative stress I was building up. Figuring out life, rationally, is my value creation. I don’t need to feel negative thoughts about not doing enough and not earning money. I need to figure this shit out.

So, I’m back to the routine of no routine. Wake up, do morning stuff, then do day stuff, then do night stuff, then sleep. Morning stuff is light exposure, cleanliness, fitness, plan the day etc. Night stuff is beauty consumption but no YouTube, and not a lot of Netflix either. Do more music and books and blogging and stuff. And the day stuff is primarily philosophy and writing, with some art and drawing and music thrown in from time to time.

Instead of planning in advance what to do each day, I think I’ll start recording what I did that day after the fact. The idea will be to remain aware everyday that I should try to do at least one good thing. Some form of value creation or beauty creation. It’s not about productivity and success, it’s about feeling good about the day, every night. Go to bed with the feeling, today was a nice day.

It’s okay to have fun, but don’t be dumb about how much fun to have. There’s no need to turn responsible things into a chore. For example, you don’t always have to eat junk food to feel like you had fun. Sometimes, making your own pizza or baking your own bread and making a sandwich can also be fun, and, if you use good ingredients, it can also be the responsible healthy choice.

I’ve also realized that when I don’t feel like cooking for myself, it’s a sign of self-hatred. Cooking is effortful and I don’t mind cooking something delicious for other people but when it comes to cooking for myself, I’m like, nah I’ll just have a bowl of cornflakes. To make the effort to cook something delicious for yourself is an act of self love. You’re worth it. And if you eat right, you’ll not get constipated so much!

Cover Photo by Nik on Unsplash