Dear Reader,

I’m back in Himachal and experiencing real cold again. My trip to Ahmedabad ended with a short but fun holiday in Udaipur. After more than a month of dawdling about in Ahmedabad, it felt exciting to move with purpose, from the time we left for Udaipur to the time we got back and I had to pack up and get whatever sleep I could, before I had to wake up and catch my flight back to Chandigarh. A long and slow holiday ended in a whirlwind.

I prefer moving with purpose to laying around doing nothing, but what I really hate is making plans to move and then waiting around for other pieces to fall into place and then nothing happens all day and I get to neither be lazy nor move with purpose. It is the ‘other pieces’ part that I don’t like, the depending on others, the feeling of not being in control. Even when stuck in limbo, between motion and laziness, I want to feel in control. It has to be my choice to be stuck there. If it’s because of someone else, I get really annoyed.

Applying this metaphor to my life, I’ve begun moving with purpose in my life as well and I like it. But negative thought clouds are ever present near the horizon of my mind. I’ve become better at ignoring these negative thoughts but sometimes they do grab my attention and I feel sad. Ironically, it is this sad feeling that makes me realize that I’m not depressed anymore. When I was depressed, I wouldn’t feel sad, I would be stuck in a sort of pre-sadness, trying to avoid feeling the sadness fully. I would do that by seeking distractions and living in my daydreams.

Now I feel the sadness, when it does get through the barricades, and then I let it go. I think that is the trick for depression, or at least, it’s the trick that works for me. You can’t avoid being sad. Just remember that it will not last forever. The sooner you feel it fully, the sooner it will pass.

In order to be an artist, you not only have to move with purpose but also move with confidence. That’s the next step for me. My strategy is to fake it till I make it. Even writing this letter is my way of faking it. I’ve tried writing it a few times and deleted it because I didn’t feel like anyone would want to read what I was writing. Writing it again, finishing it, and posting it, even though I don’t think I would personally stay subscribed to someone who was writing such letters to me, is the faking it part.

I try to be snide and remind myself that out of the 17 subscribers I have, only one or two open my emails anyway. I try to laugh at that sarcastically but it comes out as bitter. Then I tell myself to work hard and get better at writing so even silly little letters become worth reading. Then, finally, the sane adult inside me reminds me to let go of all these thoughts and just write. This is how you get better. It doesn’t matter how many people read it and it doesn’t matter how many of them like it. “Those who don’t like, will unsubscribe. It’s all good,” the Buddha inside me smiles and says.

Thank you to the Buddha inside you,

Rudya Aditya